First Love... Forever

Every word ever spoken, every sight seen, every thought that leaps is burnt deep and forever in the dark memory lanes. The mind never forgets. Always stocks them deep in the closets, always ready to pounce.

They tell me its better to have loved and lost. The truth is, once in love, it never dies. The sweet taste of the first love, those days where you are not-so-sure of your footing. The times before being infected with the ego, sly and dignity… The innocence of Reena…

I don’t talk about her too often. In fact, its been over six years since I spoke about her at all. It really feels dumb to talk about how serious I was about a girl when I was in eighth grade!

That was not when I first saw her. We were in the same school, went to the same club, and even had a couple of common friends. But it never struck me that way before. Before my friends imagined us together in an attempt to humor themselves. Before I chose to. Before I realized what was to be.

She was perched high up the ladder of sophistication. I was underground. I should say I took to her as a competitive inspiration. The movies I saw were of no greater help. As the protagonist, I HAD to better my heroine in everything. I tried, and consequently succeeded to quite a bit.

In all that time- a period of four years, I tried various hats- the angry guy, the kind hearted, the good kid, the evil villain… Never even caught a breeze. I tried tricks and stunts that I wouldn’t even recommend to a retard.

In the final year of high school, we got closer than we ever were. I loved everything about her. I doubt if ever I had a perfect girl painted in my mind- I would have sung for a girl with a skin as soft as Reena, a golden radiance that breathed and lived by its own; hair as silky, a bouncy curl, dancing on the shoulders; voice that could throw you into a haven of bliss; anger that could burn right through.

Eventually I got to where I wanted. Wars, battles, cheap shots, wins and falls. I was elected the leader of the entire school, and all I cared for was my Reena.

I don’t know if what I had for her was love. I had never loved before, and the wait had been for far too long that I never realized it until long after it had gone. But I know it was pure. It was innocent in that all I wanted was Reena. Sit by her side as we enjoyed the setting sun, waves lapping our feet. I have never felt that since. I have never felt that joy beyond touch or words- the joy in just the thought of her presence, sitting next to me. Letting the scent of her beauty fill my senses. The joy that Reena gave me…

She was never on the slim side. But she carried the air of confidence and beauty that made it quite impossible to not notice. I loved every moment I spent with her. And now I was up the ladder. And yet it took me a few weeks cajoling to muster the courage.

Im up the ladder… I no longer fear my stance or equality. In fact, I see no reason why I should even be apprehensive. I’ve waited enough. Just ask her out!

She said no.

Im a bad loser… Love is as personal as it gets, and I took it personal. It was just her ego, I told myself. It was easy to hide my feeling over a blanket of blame. I needed a vent, and who better than the cause. Love turned to hate over night.

She forgave me. And I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t accept the truth that she was still the better person.

I loved her attitude. I loved her aggression. I loved that “cho-chweet” dialect. I loved her for her confidence. If she had just said yes, I would have always had to fear my position of being her equal. The rivalry and power that the love had given me could have just as easily manifested as jealousy.

She said no.

I never really apologized, but I don’t think she ever wanted one. She never gave me an explanation. I couldn’t have taken that anyway. I just loved her, from far away- a distance I created for better or worse. I knew I loved her. And I knew there was nothing either of us could do about it. I just loved.

And yet, she said no.

And I love her for that. As I always will. Futile as it might be, it still is my thoughts… My Love… My Reena... My Laila...